Newsletter 11/14

Hello readers, I am pleased to announce that I've hired a new writer to the Provo Newsletter team. His name is Eric Pande (Economics Major, Advice Giver, Solver of problems, Whipping Boy), and he will start his career with the article called "Letters to Konvict."

______Food Critic_____________________

Caleb Rodgers Apartment:
Are you on a budget? Do you like to eat potatoes, rice, or grilled cheese? Do you not mind strange smelling apartments? Then this place is for you. When I went here I asked for some rice, and it only took 30-45 minutes to cook. When I asked for some flavoring for my rice the whole apartment looked at me as if I were a monster! So I quickly pulled out my emergency terriyaki sauce. When one of Caleb's roommates saw the terriyaki sauce he cried out, "Las Chicas De Noches!" (translation: Ah! The forbidden fruit!)
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Eric Pande's Apartment:
As I first walked in I was delightfully refreshed by the soothing and yet supple sounds of Enya, seeping through every fiber of the wholesomely extravagant living space of Eric. Service was prompt. Eric immediately sat me down and started massaging my back. All of a sudden I started to slowly black out, and then I woke up in my bed. I have no memory of the food. But I bet it was delicious.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Nate Pope's and Hailey Gardner's Canon Center:
3 words: lights, camera, action.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars
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_____Letters to Konvict_______________
#1
Dear Konvict,
I am currently attending a certain prestigious university located in the Provo valley. There are many great things about this college, and I’m sure any faults one may find are actually personal faults of the person and not the school. The issue I have is that from all the constant praying, I have developed painful blisters on my knees. It is making it harder to play missionary tag and wear modest shorts.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Humble

Mrs. Humble,
Don’t be too worried, this is actually a common problem among the scholastics here. I would recommend buying knee pads built for this purpose at the BYU bookstore.

#2
*Editors Favorite*
Dear Konvict,
My name is Estabon Corrial and I’m an Aggie frat boy. Recently, my little brother Elias was physically attacked and wrongfully arrested for trying to stop his roommates from destroying a baby bird’s nest full of eggs. He was successful, but at great cost. They held him down and forced beer down his gullet and then called the cops. No one stuck up for Elias that day, and he ran. Basically, me and my frat boys would like to know where we can find his roommates Sam, Alex and Zach (the ringleader) to “have a sit down” with them, the Aggie way.
Yours truly,
Inmate #16547

Estabon,
I am also heartbroken to see such a tragedy befall the great college of the Aggies. However, I can’t betray my friends trust. Though I will give you a hint, but you’ll have to find the zip code yourself.
1305 East 100 North
Apt 308
Logan, Utah

#3
Dear Konvict,
What’s the best way to cure a hangover? I tried more beer, but that only seemed to prolong the affect.
SINcerely,
Aggieite

Aggieite,
Well going cold turkey may be too hard on your body, so I’d say reduce intake a pint a day until you reach your body weight in beer.

*Note from Editor: to ask Konvict for advice, just send your questions and situations to Eric Pande
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_______News for the Week________

-Hailey Gardner was seen feasting upon the remains of a homeless person.

-Nate Pope went to Toys 'R' Us and bought a barrel of monkeys, but sadly when he opened the barrel he found that the monkeys were alive, and bloodthirsty. The monkeys immediately jumped out of the barrel and had a tea party with him. (Outside sources say that the monkeys had a hard time drinking the tea because they were so small compared to the tea cup.) Once the tea party was over the monkeys immediately tickled each other and then ran off to the jungle.

-Eric Pande got an 80 on his most recent economics test (He believes that he will get an "A" after the teacher curves it)(Eric also believes that the teacher has nice curves)

-Caleb Rodgers quit working at the brick oven and will soon start work at the MTC, he also will get his wisdom teeth removed tomorrow.

-Eric and Ethan repelled from their apartment window. Shhh don't tell anyone about it. BYU would fine them 700 dollars if they got caught. Seriously.

-A grass hopper told a chipmunk that they were meant to be. The chipmunk immediately chewed up the grasshopper and spit it at Utah States reputation. The grasshopper obviously did not hit anything, because Utah State does not have a reputation.