Hello all you beautiful people. Grab the nearest homeless man and a cup of hot chocolate, because it's time for another newsletter.
I would like to welcome Nate Pope and Lee Petersen to the team. Before you start digging in to the juicy and supple gossip, I would like to apologize to the Utah State and Dixie people because the reading level of Lee's article is 2nd grade, rather then the usual kindergarten.
___MOVIE REVIEWS by Konvict___________________
Here are some quotes from death hammers on the new Harry Potter Movie
"I'm not familiar with the Harry Potter books that sparked this movie, but this is because I have known the soft caress of a woman and am thus excluded from the target demographic."
-Konvict
“I was thoroughly disappointed. I wanted to a Quidditch match and instead saw Harry in his underwear multiple times. It almost wasn’t worth seeing it a 4th time.
-12 inch
“I was too busy being “friends” with Ashley to pay attention to the movie, but I can tell you that the seats were comfortable.”
-Hot Pocket
If you ask me, spending my entire month’s food budget on a silly movie that is only loosely based on a true story is childish.
-C-Pain
____Notable quotes of the week.______________
“I would kill 100 million people if that meant a safer U.S.
-Soap
"It would be way funny to hide in the shower for 20 minutes while my room mate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"
-Eric
"Hey guys, I just did the funniest thing. I hid in the shower for 20 minutes while my roommate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"
-Eric
______Game articles_____________________
Bronco Mendenhall, Coach or Pony Boy?
By Lee Petersen
Salt Lake City- Dainty white snowflakes fell hard against the University of Utah
Utes on Rice Eccles field Saturday evening. Yet, the weather report was free of
precipitation. All joking aside, the kind of snowflakes I’m referring to are the Cougars of
Brigham Young University. The “cougs” came dressed in all white uniforms
to “commemorate a time when they beat Utah an irrelevant number of years ago,”
chortled Pablo Unga, son of former BYU football player Harvey Unga. BYU took the
field Saturday hoping to get an edge on the University of Utah unsuccessfully.
The game started well for the blue as quarterback Jake Heap’s head is far
smaller than Max Hall’s. Not to mention his run doesn’t resemble nearly as completely a
baby deer as the former quarterback’s did. However the Utah defense came in with
power and fury to leave the young quarterback in a heap. The big boys in the middle
held BYU, a ball-running juggernaut, to only 65 yards of rushing. Coach Kyle
Whittingham, without precedent, even put Terrence Cain in for three plays to throw an
interception to make the game more interesting. I guess when you’re completely in
control of a game that’s supposed to be hotly contested you have to do what you can to
make it interesting for the fans. What a good guy.
As the time wound down it looked as if Utah would be “no match” for the
freshman quarterback Heaps and several other Nancy boys, but as Austin Collie (former
Cougar) stated: “I wouldn't say it was lucky. We executed the play well. We should have
had another one (TD). Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the
Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic happens." One of the great philosophers of
our time got it right for once, as Brandon Burton’s blocked field-goal-to-seal-the-game
was no fluke. "I just knew I had to make a play for my team," Burton said. "I knew I had
a shot when I came around the edge. I just came in full speed and laid out and made the
play."
[On that final play, "I was on my knees
praying for it," Heaps said. "My heart just
sank when I saw it all happen."]
Continuing along the lines of “magic” let’s hear a quote from a University of Utah
special teams coach. "I switched Brandon to the other side and he did a great job
coming tight and put his hands on the ball," Hill said. "I don't know, I just felt he was
going to get it. Sometimes in coaching you have a feeling [don’t we all], but he made the
play — don't put that down as me." And he’s humble too.
This humility and possible intonation have long played a part in the success the
University of Utah has had in recent years. It’s unfortunate that BYU feels humility
is “overrated” and “an unnecessary luxury.” For example, coach Bronco Mendenhall
fired his defensive coordinator and then, taking over, gave himself credit for wins against
easier teams. This isn’t the first time blond haired, blue eyed “prophets” have blamed
scapegoats for misfortune and then mysteriously gotten rid of them. A la holocaust?
The unfortunate thing about all this is that BYU actually lost to Utah State very
badly, which means that they are at least the third worst school in the state. To make
matters worse Dixie, UVU, Weber, and Snow College all finished with better records
than the cougars in football, which is ironic because UVU doesn’t even have a football
team.
Now on to next year: as for the Utes, they will head on to bigger and better things
in a football conference with prestige and tradition. They will be vaulted in the halls of
champions, as brothers with other great football programs. BYU is going independent,
which is a nice way of saying the big boys in the playground don’t want to play with little
Brigham so he left and made a new game called eating glue and boogers by himself.
After a tough loss to Northern Canada University in the New Mexico Bowl, BYU will be
hard pressed to find any companions to play against.
Overall the Utes proved that they were a more ethnic and complete football team
once again. Also that it’s better to let gratitude and charity guide a football program
than “tradition, spirit, and honor,” or a “quest for perfection”, which as we all know, is not
possible. As for me, my degree is now worth $20 more per year on average than BYU
graduates. Go UTES!!
Call it luck that the Utes won, but I think we all know why Utah won; they are a
much better institution. And now there’s proof.
All quotes are directly from the “Deseret News,” the paper you can trust. Much like this
one…….
**note from editor: I think Bronco is a pony boy.
--------------
Pope’s article
The annual “War Between the States” rivalry game occurred this past week, and was a
wonderful display of high-caliber college football, respectful fans, and how masterful football
players PR handlers have to be to contain their idiocy in post-game interviews. Utah defeated
BYU 17-16 in what Gov. Gary Herbert described as “blasphemous.” The Provo police were
thankfully able to contain all of the Rice-Eccles fans back, only to discover that their bets on
BYU had gone horribly wrong, so they let the rioters go. Provo’s distinguished new item, Eric
Pande and Jimmer Freddette, were also spotted in attendance. Though some BYU fans called
foul after some supposed botched calls by referees, they were ultimately silenced by BYU’s
amazing decision to not try to defend the possible game-winning field goal. Jordan Wynn, Utah’s
miracle one-handed quarterback, posted his usual stats of mediocrity, and was benched midway
through the first play. And that’s what happened.
________General News________________
-The death hammers were seen at Betos at 12:01 A.M. on Thanksgiving day. What a beautiful way to celebrate the holidays
-"Blizzard 2010" ripped across the Utah landscape and left billions of people homeless and killed 73 midwives. This "Storm of the Century" was Hell on Earth.
-The Fazookis at Firehouse pizza are quite delicious. They are basically a cookie with ice cream on top. However, I was quite disturbed by the behavior of Sarah, Hailey, and Bree. The host at the front desk politely told us that the establishment was closed, which caused those 3 girls to severely beat him until he let us in. Sam, Zach, and I tried to apologize, but this just led to us getting beaten up as well.
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