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Obituaries

Lee Easton: Age 65, passed away  Sunday evening from natural causes.  As described by loved  ones, ‘’He led a normal life. He lived in a modest home with an average salary and a typical 9 to 5 engineering job.”  He will be remembered as a (slightly) better than average home teacher. He is survived by a wife, three kids, and the bus full of screaming kids who were lovingly at his side as the heart attack took his life.

Sam Whiting: Age 22, ranch hand Sam Whiting was found dead and mutilated late last Friday night. The large cement mixer he was using to lay the foundation for a new barn toppled over after what appears to be an unsuccessful crane step. His body was discovered by local dog legend, Atticus.  After numerous attempts, local coroners were unable to pry the penny out of Sam’s clenched hand. They also questioned the reasoning behind his late night escapade on the cement mixer.

Nathan Pope: Denny’s lost a loyal customer this week as Nathan Pope, Age 76, violently passed away,  alone in his Portland Condo after falling down and being unable to get up. Little is known about Nathan Pope;, his body was only found after neighbors started to complain about smell, presumably several months after the incident.  Funeral services will be held at the commoner’s plot this Friday at 7pm, as attempts to donate the unclaimed body to science were unsuccessful A local medical researcher stated that if his family didn’t want the body, they didn’t either.  Volumes of “anti American” literature found in basement has been donated to local paper mill.

Zach Jensen: Age 47. ‘’He always had a smile on, even when life never went his way.’’ –Candice Jensen (daughter of Zach). Consoling the family, ‘self-proclaimed best friend Eric stated, ‘’you guys are lucky to be here, I didn’t think Zach had it in him to even make one kid, let alone three.’’ Reports say that Zach walked into the woods with a smile on his face and never came out. Caleb Rodgers, a man who always wished Zach would be his friend, stated  ‘’I don’t care what happened to Zach, I just want to know what happened to the gun that I lent him.’’ In lieu of flowers, Zach’s family has asked for gift cards to Chuck–a-Rama, as Zach’s policy of, ‘’a dollar in heaven goes farther than a million on earth,’’ did not prove to be financially sound.

Alex Knudson: Brittany Low-vell found her semi-beloved ex-husband dead in the washing machine as she went to do laundry while the pie baked and the children were doing their crafts.  Alex ‘’plan B’’ Knudson were married soon after Brittany came home to find the original love of her life in a steady relationship.  The marriage took some convincing; promising a $30,000/year math teacher’s salary did not sweeten the deal, but Alex was able to persuade Brittany into marriage with claims of a “real pirate’s treasure map” and that classical music was on the rise in the younger generation. Unlike Eric’s hot stock tips, those notions proved to be false and the marriage quickly fell apart. Thanks to a generous donation by ‘’friends,’’ Alex was able to move into Caleb’s guitar room with his family after the divorce. Brittany and her son would like to give special thanks to Eric, who has been there night after night supporting the family. ‘’I was there before it started, while it was happening, and I saw it to its end,’’ says Eric. Alex is survived by his ex-wife and child Eric Jr.

Caleb Rodgers: Age 53, America, free love, and motorcycles. This self proclaimed Bad-A, was killed in an avalanche of women while snowboarding down Mount Everest. ‘’What a bad-,’’ said local bad-a’s. As James Taylor once said, ‘’I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain, and I’ve seen Caleb.’’. Caleb was best-known to his fans as a generous tipper, and a sub-par boyfriend.  Memorial services will be held at the Lavell Edwards Stadium of fire (after the Kid Rock benefit concert), with catering services by Hooters. As stated in his will ‘’All military medals of honor and billions of dollars in possessions will be auctioned off to help local charities, but no one touches the wife.’’

Eric Pande: Little is known about Eric, or if he has even died. Last reported sighting was in a Chinese prison north of Shanghai.

Mystical Mayan Adventures of Jamie

Due to a recent tour of the ancient site "Chitzen of the Itza" (As we learned from Jamie Chitzen Itza is not its real name) lead by the renowned Jamie, Michael Burton and Eric Ponde have discovered the most intelligent and knowledgeable person to yet walk the face of this earth: Jamie someone. His credentials include a PHD at Kings College in Oxford, England (Kings College is located in Cambridge, England) and a two hour class that he teaches every six months in which he teaches every aspect of the Maya civilization to every other tour guide at Chitzen Itza. Those are his only credentials that we know of. According to Jamie 99% of the most significant inventions that we know of today were in fact originally created by the Maya and that we don't know this because of a political conspiracy. The highlight of the tour occurred when Jamie explained that the stone protrusions on one of the Mayan buildings we originally thought to be noses were in fact penises. Eric instantly became very interested and proceeded to take multiple pictures. Eric hopes to see Jamie again and relive the Mayan adventures when he goes to work for a club in Cancun called Chicos Locos (Crazy Boys). To see Jamie in action please watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYpg29SzY3o&feature=watch_response_rev during which you may discover the secrets of the universe, provided you can stay awake. Still waiting to hear from Eric about his Mayan Adventures.

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Be careful while thumbing please.

Nathan Pope: MIA

To Whom it May it Concern

Nathan John Pope(P-Nasty), has gone missing. The 19 year old student from Brigham Young University was last seen in public over the Thanksgiving break celebrating his birthday at a dance party. However, since December 7th at midnight, Mr. Pope has gone missing and no one has heard from him since, not even his beloved parents Gordon and Carol. It is rumored that he has locked himself in a dungeon surrounded by nothing but blood-elfs and body oder. Authorities however, suspect foul play is involved and have linked one Eric Pande, a.k.a "Konvict", to the disappearance. When asked about the situation, "Konvict" stated, "I ain't sayin I did it, I ain't sayin I didn't but I can tell you this, He looks way hot in his WOW armor." If any one has any information please call 801-915-5868.

In a related note, Soap has placed a bounty of $1.25 on a photo of Nathan Pope shirtless. If found, publish immediately to collect the reward.

The Demise of Nathan Pope

This just in. Due to a new expansion for World of Warcraft being released on December 7th, 2010, Nathan Pope has secluded himself to his dorm room, acquired a bus ticket, and a month's worth of Cheez-its and Powerade. In effect, he will not be seen publicly until he speaks prior to his mission. Extend your condolences now, while he might still get them.