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Nathan Pope: MIA

To Whom it May it Concern

Nathan John Pope(P-Nasty), has gone missing. The 19 year old student from Brigham Young University was last seen in public over the Thanksgiving break celebrating his birthday at a dance party. However, since December 7th at midnight, Mr. Pope has gone missing and no one has heard from him since, not even his beloved parents Gordon and Carol. It is rumored that he has locked himself in a dungeon surrounded by nothing but blood-elfs and body oder. Authorities however, suspect foul play is involved and have linked one Eric Pande, a.k.a "Konvict", to the disappearance. When asked about the situation, "Konvict" stated, "I ain't sayin I did it, I ain't sayin I didn't but I can tell you this, He looks way hot in his WOW armor." If any one has any information please call 801-915-5868.

In a related note, Soap has placed a bounty of $1.25 on a photo of Nathan Pope shirtless. If found, publish immediately to collect the reward.

The Demise of Nathan Pope

This just in. Due to a new expansion for World of Warcraft being released on December 7th, 2010, Nathan Pope has secluded himself to his dorm room, acquired a bus ticket, and a month's worth of Cheez-its and Powerade. In effect, he will not be seen publicly until he speaks prior to his mission. Extend your condolences now, while he might still get them.

Newsletter 11/28

Hello all you beautiful people. Grab the nearest homeless man and a cup of hot chocolate, because it's time for another newsletter.

I would like to welcome Nate Pope and Lee Petersen to the team. Before you start digging in to the juicy and supple gossip, I would like to apologize to the Utah State and Dixie people because the reading level of Lee's article is 2nd grade, rather then the usual kindergarten.

___MOVIE REVIEWS by Konvict___________________

Here are some quotes from death hammers on the new Harry Potter Movie

"I'm not familiar with the Harry Potter books that sparked this movie, but this is because I have known the soft caress of a woman and am thus excluded from the target demographic."

-Konvict

“I was thoroughly disappointed. I wanted to a Quidditch match and instead saw Harry in his underwear multiple times. It almost wasn’t worth seeing it a 4th time.

-12 inch

“I was too busy being “friends” with Ashley to pay attention to the movie, but I can tell you that the seats were comfortable.”

-Hot Pocket

If you ask me, spending my entire month’s food budget on a silly movie that is only loosely based on a true story is childish.

-C-Pain

____Notable quotes of the week.______________

“I would kill 100 million people if that meant a safer U.S.

-Soap

"It would be way funny to hide in the shower for 20 minutes while my room mate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"

-Eric

"Hey guys, I just did the funniest thing. I hid in the shower for 20 minutes while my roommate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"

-Eric

______Game articles_____________________

Bronco Mendenhall, Coach or Pony Boy?

By Lee Petersen

Salt Lake City- Dainty white snowflakes fell hard against the University of Utah

Utes on Rice Eccles field Saturday evening. Yet, the weather report was free of

precipitation. All joking aside, the kind of snowflakes I’m referring to are the Cougars of

Brigham Young University. The “cougs” came dressed in all white uniforms

to “commemorate a time when they beat Utah an irrelevant number of years ago,”

chortled Pablo Unga, son of former BYU football player Harvey Unga. BYU took the

field Saturday hoping to get an edge on the University of Utah unsuccessfully.

The game started well for the blue as quarterback Jake Heap’s head is far

smaller than Max Hall’s. Not to mention his run doesn’t resemble nearly as completely a

baby deer as the former quarterback’s did. However the Utah defense came in with

power and fury to leave the young quarterback in a heap. The big boys in the middle

held BYU, a ball-running juggernaut, to only 65 yards of rushing. Coach Kyle

Whittingham, without precedent, even put Terrence Cain in for three plays to throw an

interception to make the game more interesting. I guess when you’re completely in

control of a game that’s supposed to be hotly contested you have to do what you can to

make it interesting for the fans. What a good guy.

As the time wound down it looked as if Utah would be “no match” for the

freshman quarterback Heaps and several other Nancy boys, but as Austin Collie (former

Cougar) stated: “I wouldn't say it was lucky. We executed the play well. We should have

had another one (TD). Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the

Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic happens." One of the great philosophers of

our time got it right for once, as Brandon Burton’s blocked field-goal-to-seal-the-game

was no fluke. "I just knew I had to make a play for my team," Burton said. "I knew I had

a shot when I came around the edge. I just came in full speed and laid out and made the

play."

[On that final play, "I was on my knees

praying for it," Heaps said. "My heart just

sank when I saw it all happen."]

Continuing along the lines of “magic” let’s hear a quote from a University of Utah

special teams coach. "I switched Brandon to the other side and he did a great job

coming tight and put his hands on the ball," Hill said. "I don't know, I just felt he was

going to get it. Sometimes in coaching you have a feeling [don’t we all], but he made the

play — don't put that down as me." And he’s humble too.

This humility and possible intonation have long played a part in the success the

University of Utah has had in recent years. It’s unfortunate that BYU feels humility

is “overrated” and “an unnecessary luxury.” For example, coach Bronco Mendenhall

fired his defensive coordinator and then, taking over, gave himself credit for wins against

easier teams. This isn’t the first time blond haired, blue eyed “prophets” have blamed

scapegoats for misfortune and then mysteriously gotten rid of them. A la holocaust?

The unfortunate thing about all this is that BYU actually lost to Utah State very

badly, which means that they are at least the third worst school in the state. To make

matters worse Dixie, UVU, Weber, and Snow College all finished with better records

than the cougars in football, which is ironic because UVU doesn’t even have a football

team.

Now on to next year: as for the Utes, they will head on to bigger and better things

in a football conference with prestige and tradition. They will be vaulted in the halls of

champions, as brothers with other great football programs. BYU is going independent,

which is a nice way of saying the big boys in the playground don’t want to play with little

Brigham so he left and made a new game called eating glue and boogers by himself.

After a tough loss to Northern Canada University in the New Mexico Bowl, BYU will be

hard pressed to find any companions to play against.

Overall the Utes proved that they were a more ethnic and complete football team

once again. Also that it’s better to let gratitude and charity guide a football program

than “tradition, spirit, and honor,” or a “quest for perfection”, which as we all know, is not

possible. As for me, my degree is now worth $20 more per year on average than BYU

graduates. Go UTES!!

Call it luck that the Utes won, but I think we all know why Utah won; they are a

much better institution. And now there’s proof.

All quotes are directly from the “Deseret News,” the paper you can trust. Much like this

one…….

**note from editor: I think Bronco is a pony boy.

--------------

Pope’s article

The annual “War Between the States” rivalry game occurred this past week, and was a

wonderful display of high-caliber college football, respectful fans, and how masterful football

players PR handlers have to be to contain their idiocy in post-game interviews. Utah defeated

BYU 17-16 in what Gov. Gary Herbert described as “blasphemous.” The Provo police were

thankfully able to contain all of the Rice-Eccles fans back, only to discover that their bets on

BYU had gone horribly wrong, so they let the rioters go. Provo’s distinguished new item, Eric

Pande and Jimmer Freddette, were also spotted in attendance. Though some BYU fans called

foul after some supposed botched calls by referees, they were ultimately silenced by BYU’s

amazing decision to not try to defend the possible game-winning field goal. Jordan Wynn, Utah’s

miracle one-handed quarterback, posted his usual stats of mediocrity, and was benched midway

through the first play. And that’s what happened.

________General News________________

-The death hammers were seen at Betos at 12:01 A.M. on Thanksgiving day. What a beautiful way to celebrate the holidays

-"Blizzard 2010" ripped across the Utah landscape and left billions of people homeless and killed 73 midwives. This "Storm of the Century" was Hell on Earth.

-The Fazookis at Firehouse pizza are quite delicious. They are basically a cookie with ice cream on top. However, I was quite disturbed by the behavior of Sarah, Hailey, and Bree. The host at the front desk politely told us that the establishment was closed, which caused those 3 girls to severely beat him until he let us in. Sam, Zach, and I tried to apologize, but this just led to us getting beaten up as well.

A letter from the Administrator

It has come to my attention that many critics in the general public have criticized this wonderful institution my co-academics run (Cheekypeeps) as being biased towards Brigham Young University. I would like to reach out to those critics and all of our large readership and say that we are, without a shadow of a doubt, completely unbiased. We here at Cheekypeeps strive to reach out to every secular and spiritless university as much as we do BYU. If the sense of bias has come across in any that still worries you dear reader, or in any of our future articles, please email the editors with long complaints.

Nathan J. Pope

Sleepless In Seattle or Classless In Provo?

Letter to the Editor:

While I was enjoying a lovely weekend a BYU football player that approached me (who will remain unnamed) was all HEAPed up about something.  He proceeded to say in broken english that he hated "The Utes" (c) because he hated all bhudists.  Not only did he offend myself, but several other people in my engineering class.  I wish these hateful comments from "BYU" players would stop.  I do not think it is at all becoming of a "zoob" to be so fiesty.  I just hope this quote doesn't get to the media through wiki-leaks.

Sam's Artwork

Generational Prejudices: Oppressive Patterns

Jews. Negros. Martians. All are peoples who have been unfairly judged at one point in their existences. But in these modern days, we have a new problem. People spitefully turning away those who prefer to dwell in alleys, or on park benches with dark glasses and long trench coats. The most discriminated group of our generation is one whose very name causes many people shudder, and makes mothers hide their children. Why should you hide? Why should you put these individuals on cruel sex offender lists? All they are seeking is their own unique type of love. We know these persecuted individuals most commonly as pedophiles. Am I one? Doesn't matter. All I ask is that you think before you judge.

Portland

During my daily morning briefing by my staff, I was informed that Portland has actually become a hot bed for granola eating, sandal-wearing hippies who believe in various extreme liberal acts. Appropriate action was taken to stop this horrible, horrible blemish on America's face. The only thing left on the agenda is to put up signs of the nuclear fallout.

Questionable Name?

There has been talk going around that the name and domain of this blog may be too graphic and mature for small children.  While that may be true, "cheeky peeps" is a representation of freedom of speech.  I think that this sight not only has a right to have a creepy name, but also a duty in a democratic nation.  Haha i'm just kidding i'm not some granola eating, sandal wearing, long haired, first amendment loving hippie.

Estabon attacks!!!

At 2:31 am this morning, 12 inch was reduced to tears as Estabon Corrial caught him with a tire iron upside the head. 12 inch was hanging out with his new found love, Kandis Kendall. If it hadn't been for Kendall's excessive testosterone supplies to aid her in fighting of the assailant, 12 inch would be 72 inches (6 ft) under. When asked to comment on the ordeal , Kendall stated "I kan-dis it out, but yo can't take it!" She was also brought to the hospital for suspected head injuries, and even after failing all the tests, she was deemed to be her normal self and released.

Newsletter 11/14

Hello readers, I am pleased to announce that I've hired a new writer to the Provo Newsletter team. His name is Eric Pande (Economics Major, Advice Giver, Solver of problems, Whipping Boy), and he will start his career with the article called "Letters to Konvict."

______Food Critic_____________________

Caleb Rodgers Apartment:
Are you on a budget? Do you like to eat potatoes, rice, or grilled cheese? Do you not mind strange smelling apartments? Then this place is for you. When I went here I asked for some rice, and it only took 30-45 minutes to cook. When I asked for some flavoring for my rice the whole apartment looked at me as if I were a monster! So I quickly pulled out my emergency terriyaki sauce. When one of Caleb's roommates saw the terriyaki sauce he cried out, "Las Chicas De Noches!" (translation: Ah! The forbidden fruit!)
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Eric Pande's Apartment:
As I first walked in I was delightfully refreshed by the soothing and yet supple sounds of Enya, seeping through every fiber of the wholesomely extravagant living space of Eric. Service was prompt. Eric immediately sat me down and started massaging my back. All of a sudden I started to slowly black out, and then I woke up in my bed. I have no memory of the food. But I bet it was delicious.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Nate Pope's and Hailey Gardner's Canon Center:
3 words: lights, camera, action.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars
------------------------------------------------------------


_____Letters to Konvict_______________
#1
Dear Konvict,
I am currently attending a certain prestigious university located in the Provo valley. There are many great things about this college, and I’m sure any faults one may find are actually personal faults of the person and not the school. The issue I have is that from all the constant praying, I have developed painful blisters on my knees. It is making it harder to play missionary tag and wear modest shorts.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Humble

Mrs. Humble,
Don’t be too worried, this is actually a common problem among the scholastics here. I would recommend buying knee pads built for this purpose at the BYU bookstore.

#2
*Editors Favorite*
Dear Konvict,
My name is Estabon Corrial and I’m an Aggie frat boy. Recently, my little brother Elias was physically attacked and wrongfully arrested for trying to stop his roommates from destroying a baby bird’s nest full of eggs. He was successful, but at great cost. They held him down and forced beer down his gullet and then called the cops. No one stuck up for Elias that day, and he ran. Basically, me and my frat boys would like to know where we can find his roommates Sam, Alex and Zach (the ringleader) to “have a sit down” with them, the Aggie way.
Yours truly,
Inmate #16547

Estabon,
I am also heartbroken to see such a tragedy befall the great college of the Aggies. However, I can’t betray my friends trust. Though I will give you a hint, but you’ll have to find the zip code yourself.
1305 East 100 North
Apt 308
Logan, Utah

#3
Dear Konvict,
What’s the best way to cure a hangover? I tried more beer, but that only seemed to prolong the affect.
SINcerely,
Aggieite

Aggieite,
Well going cold turkey may be too hard on your body, so I’d say reduce intake a pint a day until you reach your body weight in beer.

*Note from Editor: to ask Konvict for advice, just send your questions and situations to Eric Pande
----------------------------------------------------

_______News for the Week________

-Hailey Gardner was seen feasting upon the remains of a homeless person.

-Nate Pope went to Toys 'R' Us and bought a barrel of monkeys, but sadly when he opened the barrel he found that the monkeys were alive, and bloodthirsty. The monkeys immediately jumped out of the barrel and had a tea party with him. (Outside sources say that the monkeys had a hard time drinking the tea because they were so small compared to the tea cup.) Once the tea party was over the monkeys immediately tickled each other and then ran off to the jungle.

-Eric Pande got an 80 on his most recent economics test (He believes that he will get an "A" after the teacher curves it)(Eric also believes that the teacher has nice curves)

-Caleb Rodgers quit working at the brick oven and will soon start work at the MTC, he also will get his wisdom teeth removed tomorrow.

-Eric and Ethan repelled from their apartment window. Shhh don't tell anyone about it. BYU would fine them 700 dollars if they got caught. Seriously.

-A grass hopper told a chipmunk that they were meant to be. The chipmunk immediately chewed up the grasshopper and spit it at Utah States reputation. The grasshopper obviously did not hit anything, because Utah State does not have a reputation.

The Founding Fathers.

Last minute and a half is brilliant. Suck it King George.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZfRaWAtBVg

My Hero

Best picture in the world.

Emergency Update

It's a sad day in room 308 of Snow Hall. Elias Corrial's evasion of local authorities has finally come to an end, and he is currently in the process of eviction, supervised by three police officers. Rumor has it that the remainder of the first semester of freshman year will improve exponentially, especially in terms of mysterious stains appearing in the bathroom (or lack thereof). More to come...

Newsletter 10/25

With the permission of C-pain this newsletter is to be published on the blog. Enjoy.

Hello friends from my past. I figured that you deserved to know the latest going ons of the best place on earth. . . PROVO UTAH. If you would like to unsubscribe from this service, please send me the word unsubscribe.

______Quotes of the week:_______
"I'm not gay, I just appreciate a nice body."
-Eric Pande
"Hahah no lie its totally sweet. Way worth the one dollar"
-Hailey Gardner, via text message
"It's so nice being better then everyone."
-random BYU student
"The provo police are corrupt."
-flyers that have been posted around town
--------------------------------------------------------

____Gripping news:___________

Eric Pande graciously invited Caleb Rodgers and Nate Pope over for dinner. Caleb gratefully ate the dinner and thanked Eric. However, Nate Pope ate only part of his meal. Eric's feelings were greatly hurt, and he had to join a womans support group.

Caleb Rodgers has decided to transfer to BYU (he currently attends UVU) for the next semester. When asked why he did this he said, "It's because i'm better than everyone."

Pope showed Caleb around the BYU campus. Aside from the creepy music from the bell tower, and the huge number of disgusting couples, Caleb thought it was a good time.

Hailey Gardner went to a girls soccer game and also reccomends that you go see the haunted house that is by some indoor soccer field

Nate Pope is going to Helsinki Finland for his mission. It is predicted that he will baptize the whole country

Caleb lives in a ward of all returned missionaries and women that DESPERATELY want to get married. Caleb says that this makes him feel sassy and extra crispy.

Eric Pande jumped out of an airplane elbow first and destroyed a terrorist organization. When asked why he did this he said, "I didn't mean too, I was just trying to kill myself." Everyone enjoyed a good laugh after this comment was made.

Caleb Rodgers was spotted working at the Brick Oven. Eric Pande was confused on why anyone would work for their money.

Provo was rated the number 3 party hot spot in the world, and was rated number one for finding a partner in marriage.

_____Gossip_______

It has been rumored that some of the guys will summit kings peak during the winter

-------------------------------------------

_______Note from the editor________

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter. Us G's down in provo are having quite the lovely time. We know how to have a good time, WHILE MAINTAINING THE HONOR CODE! Things are going well. I hope all of you guys are doing good at your colleges and places. If you see any errors or have any questions or comments, then please send me a message (unless you go to Utah State, then don't talk to me at all). Anyways, stay beautiful everyone.

Crazy Halloween Party

Man that was wild last night, never been to such an extreme halloween party EVER!!!

Criminal Record

In response to recent events happening last night I thought it would be appropriate to post some of our beloved roommate's criminal record.

10028907 CORRIAL, ELIAS ANTHONY 21:44 Jer

333641 WEST JORDAN UT 18 M W West Jordan Police

34384719 F WA 1 Robbery

CORRIAL, ELIAS ANTHONY 23:59 Kramer

333641 WEST JORDAN UT 18 M W West Valley Police

F CG 1 Poss of marijuana w/int to dist

10033977 CORRIAL, ELIAS ANTHONY 13:06 T. McClelland

333641 WEST JORDAN UT 18 M W Sandy Police

34409391

M WA 1 Controlled Substance-Intent to distribute

Casualty Report

After a drunken rage and a 3 o'clock visit to the emergency room, room 308 in Logan is one roommate down.

Yo.

Yo this is a blog. It's for real. I'm in the Wilkinson center at BYU right now and some weird high pitched RM is talking to a cute girl right next to me. I'm tempted to save her, but probably won't. I keep it real.