Obituaries

Lee Easton: Age 65, passed away  Sunday evening from natural causes.  As described by loved  ones, ‘’He led a normal life. He lived in a modest home with an average salary and a typical 9 to 5 engineering job.”  He will be remembered as a (slightly) better than average home teacher. He is survived by a wife, three kids, and the bus full of screaming kids who were lovingly at his side as the heart attack took his life.

Sam Whiting: Age 22, ranch hand Sam Whiting was found dead and mutilated late last Friday night. The large cement mixer he was using to lay the foundation for a new barn toppled over after what appears to be an unsuccessful crane step. His body was discovered by local dog legend, Atticus.  After numerous attempts, local coroners were unable to pry the penny out of Sam’s clenched hand. They also questioned the reasoning behind his late night escapade on the cement mixer.

Nathan Pope: Denny’s lost a loyal customer this week as Nathan Pope, Age 76, violently passed away,  alone in his Portland Condo after falling down and being unable to get up. Little is known about Nathan Pope;, his body was only found after neighbors started to complain about smell, presumably several months after the incident.  Funeral services will be held at the commoner’s plot this Friday at 7pm, as attempts to donate the unclaimed body to science were unsuccessful A local medical researcher stated that if his family didn’t want the body, they didn’t either.  Volumes of “anti American” literature found in basement has been donated to local paper mill.

Zach Jensen: Age 47. ‘’He always had a smile on, even when life never went his way.’’ –Candice Jensen (daughter of Zach). Consoling the family, ‘self-proclaimed best friend Eric stated, ‘’you guys are lucky to be here, I didn’t think Zach had it in him to even make one kid, let alone three.’’ Reports say that Zach walked into the woods with a smile on his face and never came out. Caleb Rodgers, a man who always wished Zach would be his friend, stated  ‘’I don’t care what happened to Zach, I just want to know what happened to the gun that I lent him.’’ In lieu of flowers, Zach’s family has asked for gift cards to Chuck–a-Rama, as Zach’s policy of, ‘’a dollar in heaven goes farther than a million on earth,’’ did not prove to be financially sound.

Alex Knudson: Brittany Low-vell found her semi-beloved ex-husband dead in the washing machine as she went to do laundry while the pie baked and the children were doing their crafts.  Alex ‘’plan B’’ Knudson were married soon after Brittany came home to find the original love of her life in a steady relationship.  The marriage took some convincing; promising a $30,000/year math teacher’s salary did not sweeten the deal, but Alex was able to persuade Brittany into marriage with claims of a “real pirate’s treasure map” and that classical music was on the rise in the younger generation. Unlike Eric’s hot stock tips, those notions proved to be false and the marriage quickly fell apart. Thanks to a generous donation by ‘’friends,’’ Alex was able to move into Caleb’s guitar room with his family after the divorce. Brittany and her son would like to give special thanks to Eric, who has been there night after night supporting the family. ‘’I was there before it started, while it was happening, and I saw it to its end,’’ says Eric. Alex is survived by his ex-wife and child Eric Jr.

Caleb Rodgers: Age 53, America, free love, and motorcycles. This self proclaimed Bad-A, was killed in an avalanche of women while snowboarding down Mount Everest. ‘’What a bad-,’’ said local bad-a’s. As James Taylor once said, ‘’I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain, and I’ve seen Caleb.’’. Caleb was best-known to his fans as a generous tipper, and a sub-par boyfriend.  Memorial services will be held at the Lavell Edwards Stadium of fire (after the Kid Rock benefit concert), with catering services by Hooters. As stated in his will ‘’All military medals of honor and billions of dollars in possessions will be auctioned off to help local charities, but no one touches the wife.’’

Eric Pande: Little is known about Eric, or if he has even died. Last reported sighting was in a Chinese prison north of Shanghai.

Mystical Mayan Adventures of Jamie

Due to a recent tour of the ancient site "Chitzen of the Itza" (As we learned from Jamie Chitzen Itza is not its real name) lead by the renowned Jamie, Michael Burton and Eric Ponde have discovered the most intelligent and knowledgeable person to yet walk the face of this earth: Jamie someone. His credentials include a PHD at Kings College in Oxford, England (Kings College is located in Cambridge, England) and a two hour class that he teaches every six months in which he teaches every aspect of the Maya civilization to every other tour guide at Chitzen Itza. Those are his only credentials that we know of. According to Jamie 99% of the most significant inventions that we know of today were in fact originally created by the Maya and that we don't know this because of a political conspiracy. The highlight of the tour occurred when Jamie explained that the stone protrusions on one of the Mayan buildings we originally thought to be noses were in fact penises. Eric instantly became very interested and proceeded to take multiple pictures. Eric hopes to see Jamie again and relive the Mayan adventures when he goes to work for a club in Cancun called Chicos Locos (Crazy Boys). To see Jamie in action please watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYpg29SzY3o&feature=watch_response_rev during which you may discover the secrets of the universe, provided you can stay awake. Still waiting to hear from Eric about his Mayan Adventures.

Warning

Be careful while thumbing please.

Nathan Pope: MIA

To Whom it May it Concern

Nathan John Pope(P-Nasty), has gone missing. The 19 year old student from Brigham Young University was last seen in public over the Thanksgiving break celebrating his birthday at a dance party. However, since December 7th at midnight, Mr. Pope has gone missing and no one has heard from him since, not even his beloved parents Gordon and Carol. It is rumored that he has locked himself in a dungeon surrounded by nothing but blood-elfs and body oder. Authorities however, suspect foul play is involved and have linked one Eric Pande, a.k.a "Konvict", to the disappearance. When asked about the situation, "Konvict" stated, "I ain't sayin I did it, I ain't sayin I didn't but I can tell you this, He looks way hot in his WOW armor." If any one has any information please call 801-915-5868.

In a related note, Soap has placed a bounty of $1.25 on a photo of Nathan Pope shirtless. If found, publish immediately to collect the reward.

The Demise of Nathan Pope

This just in. Due to a new expansion for World of Warcraft being released on December 7th, 2010, Nathan Pope has secluded himself to his dorm room, acquired a bus ticket, and a month's worth of Cheez-its and Powerade. In effect, he will not be seen publicly until he speaks prior to his mission. Extend your condolences now, while he might still get them.

Newsletter 11/28

Hello all you beautiful people. Grab the nearest homeless man and a cup of hot chocolate, because it's time for another newsletter.

I would like to welcome Nate Pope and Lee Petersen to the team. Before you start digging in to the juicy and supple gossip, I would like to apologize to the Utah State and Dixie people because the reading level of Lee's article is 2nd grade, rather then the usual kindergarten.

___MOVIE REVIEWS by Konvict___________________

Here are some quotes from death hammers on the new Harry Potter Movie

"I'm not familiar with the Harry Potter books that sparked this movie, but this is because I have known the soft caress of a woman and am thus excluded from the target demographic."

-Konvict

“I was thoroughly disappointed. I wanted to a Quidditch match and instead saw Harry in his underwear multiple times. It almost wasn’t worth seeing it a 4th time.

-12 inch

“I was too busy being “friends” with Ashley to pay attention to the movie, but I can tell you that the seats were comfortable.”

-Hot Pocket

If you ask me, spending my entire month’s food budget on a silly movie that is only loosely based on a true story is childish.

-C-Pain

____Notable quotes of the week.______________

“I would kill 100 million people if that meant a safer U.S.

-Soap

"It would be way funny to hide in the shower for 20 minutes while my room mate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"

-Eric

"Hey guys, I just did the funniest thing. I hid in the shower for 20 minutes while my roommate went to the bathroom and got ready for the day"

-Eric

______Game articles_____________________

Bronco Mendenhall, Coach or Pony Boy?

By Lee Petersen

Salt Lake City- Dainty white snowflakes fell hard against the University of Utah

Utes on Rice Eccles field Saturday evening. Yet, the weather report was free of

precipitation. All joking aside, the kind of snowflakes I’m referring to are the Cougars of

Brigham Young University. The “cougs” came dressed in all white uniforms

to “commemorate a time when they beat Utah an irrelevant number of years ago,”

chortled Pablo Unga, son of former BYU football player Harvey Unga. BYU took the

field Saturday hoping to get an edge on the University of Utah unsuccessfully.

The game started well for the blue as quarterback Jake Heap’s head is far

smaller than Max Hall’s. Not to mention his run doesn’t resemble nearly as completely a

baby deer as the former quarterback’s did. However the Utah defense came in with

power and fury to leave the young quarterback in a heap. The big boys in the middle

held BYU, a ball-running juggernaut, to only 65 yards of rushing. Coach Kyle

Whittingham, without precedent, even put Terrence Cain in for three plays to throw an

interception to make the game more interesting. I guess when you’re completely in

control of a game that’s supposed to be hotly contested you have to do what you can to

make it interesting for the fans. What a good guy.

As the time wound down it looked as if Utah would be “no match” for the

freshman quarterback Heaps and several other Nancy boys, but as Austin Collie (former

Cougar) stated: “I wouldn't say it was lucky. We executed the play well. We should have

had another one (TD). Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the

Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic happens." One of the great philosophers of

our time got it right for once, as Brandon Burton’s blocked field-goal-to-seal-the-game

was no fluke. "I just knew I had to make a play for my team," Burton said. "I knew I had

a shot when I came around the edge. I just came in full speed and laid out and made the

play."

[On that final play, "I was on my knees

praying for it," Heaps said. "My heart just

sank when I saw it all happen."]

Continuing along the lines of “magic” let’s hear a quote from a University of Utah

special teams coach. "I switched Brandon to the other side and he did a great job

coming tight and put his hands on the ball," Hill said. "I don't know, I just felt he was

going to get it. Sometimes in coaching you have a feeling [don’t we all], but he made the

play — don't put that down as me." And he’s humble too.

This humility and possible intonation have long played a part in the success the

University of Utah has had in recent years. It’s unfortunate that BYU feels humility

is “overrated” and “an unnecessary luxury.” For example, coach Bronco Mendenhall

fired his defensive coordinator and then, taking over, gave himself credit for wins against

easier teams. This isn’t the first time blond haired, blue eyed “prophets” have blamed

scapegoats for misfortune and then mysteriously gotten rid of them. A la holocaust?

The unfortunate thing about all this is that BYU actually lost to Utah State very

badly, which means that they are at least the third worst school in the state. To make

matters worse Dixie, UVU, Weber, and Snow College all finished with better records

than the cougars in football, which is ironic because UVU doesn’t even have a football

team.

Now on to next year: as for the Utes, they will head on to bigger and better things

in a football conference with prestige and tradition. They will be vaulted in the halls of

champions, as brothers with other great football programs. BYU is going independent,

which is a nice way of saying the big boys in the playground don’t want to play with little

Brigham so he left and made a new game called eating glue and boogers by himself.

After a tough loss to Northern Canada University in the New Mexico Bowl, BYU will be

hard pressed to find any companions to play against.

Overall the Utes proved that they were a more ethnic and complete football team

once again. Also that it’s better to let gratitude and charity guide a football program

than “tradition, spirit, and honor,” or a “quest for perfection”, which as we all know, is not

possible. As for me, my degree is now worth $20 more per year on average than BYU

graduates. Go UTES!!

Call it luck that the Utes won, but I think we all know why Utah won; they are a

much better institution. And now there’s proof.

All quotes are directly from the “Deseret News,” the paper you can trust. Much like this

one…….

**note from editor: I think Bronco is a pony boy.

--------------

Pope’s article

The annual “War Between the States” rivalry game occurred this past week, and was a

wonderful display of high-caliber college football, respectful fans, and how masterful football

players PR handlers have to be to contain their idiocy in post-game interviews. Utah defeated

BYU 17-16 in what Gov. Gary Herbert described as “blasphemous.” The Provo police were

thankfully able to contain all of the Rice-Eccles fans back, only to discover that their bets on

BYU had gone horribly wrong, so they let the rioters go. Provo’s distinguished new item, Eric

Pande and Jimmer Freddette, were also spotted in attendance. Though some BYU fans called

foul after some supposed botched calls by referees, they were ultimately silenced by BYU’s

amazing decision to not try to defend the possible game-winning field goal. Jordan Wynn, Utah’s

miracle one-handed quarterback, posted his usual stats of mediocrity, and was benched midway

through the first play. And that’s what happened.

________General News________________

-The death hammers were seen at Betos at 12:01 A.M. on Thanksgiving day. What a beautiful way to celebrate the holidays

-"Blizzard 2010" ripped across the Utah landscape and left billions of people homeless and killed 73 midwives. This "Storm of the Century" was Hell on Earth.

-The Fazookis at Firehouse pizza are quite delicious. They are basically a cookie with ice cream on top. However, I was quite disturbed by the behavior of Sarah, Hailey, and Bree. The host at the front desk politely told us that the establishment was closed, which caused those 3 girls to severely beat him until he let us in. Sam, Zach, and I tried to apologize, but this just led to us getting beaten up as well.